Parenting Advice From Your Physicians at Kaiser Permanente

When there is horrifying news on TV, radio, or social media, parents wonder how they can help their children cope. Whether a child has been personally affected or just heard of a disaster, parents need to be ready to talk with them about the events. However, you may wonder, “Will it worry my child more if we talk about the news?” Or “What if I fall apart when they start to ask questions?” These concerns are normal. But kids do better when they can talk openly with parents about news events that scare them.

How do parents begin the conversation?

First, take care of yourself. Your own fear or anxiety about the disaster can affect your child’s response. You may become emotional, or not know what to say, and that’s okay. While it can be okay to express concern or grief, do your best to get into a calm place using techniques that help you to relax before you begin. Breathe. This will help you have a supportive and intentional conversation with your child. Plus, as you calm yourself, you’re practicing the very same skills that can help your child.

Next, begin a discussion with your child about the event. Even young children will hear about major news events – often from other children. It’s best if they get this information from you.

Ask your child what they’ve heard and what they’re worried about. Starting off with a question helps you know what they understand and where to start your discussion. Have they heard an accurate story, or have they been misled by rumors? What are they most scared by?

Tell them what occurred. You know your child best. Say what’s appropriate for their age and temperament. Older kids will benefit from more detailed information than younger children. More anxious children may benefit from less detail. Try to reassure them by saying, “This is concerning news and it’s okay to be scared or worried, you’re not alone. I’m here for you.” Explain that police, firefighters, and doctors are working hard to keep us all safe. If relevant, you can explain that the events happened far away from your home and that these kinds of events are rare.

Listen to their concerns and answer their questions. Simply being present with your child and offering space for them to share is often the best thing you can do. Some children may not want to talk about the events, which can be normal. Just remind them you’re always available for questions or reassurance when they feel comfortable. Also remind them of other grown-ups they can talk with – like teachers, counselors, and grandparents.

Limit TV and social media. Turn off TVs, computers, and phones as much as possible. Seeing images of the events over and over can be especially upsetting to children and puts them at an increased risk of emotional trauma. If you’re not able to completely shelter your young children from media, discuss what they saw. Also, be mindful of your own focus on the subject and limit adult conversations about the event. Children may overhear adults talking and either understand more than we give them credit for or jump to even scarier conclusions.

Reassure children. Very young children (3 or younger) can simply be told you’ll keep them safe. Older kids will need you to be more honest and detailed. Focus on what’s being done to keep them safe. Remind children that violent events and natural disasters are part of life, but rare. Turn their focus towards things they enjoy or want to do in the future. Even in dire situations, discussing topics such as gratitude and hope are shown to help children. So, spend time together each night talking about what you are grateful for!

Plan with your family how you would respond in a disaster that strikes close to home. Make sure your kids know the plans.

Volunteer with your children to help those affected by recent events. During tragedies, children can feel helpless. Looking for ways to volunteer time, donate items or money to victims can help your own child feel better by helping others. For younger children, letter writing, or art projects might be a good starting point. Older children might want to show support through marches or community events. Helping charitable organizations as a family allows all to participate.

Calm children by sticking to family routines, schedules, regular meals, and exercise. Going for walks outside, playing with your pets or other happy activities can also help. Consider practicing relaxation techniques together, like guided focused breathing or muscle relaxation.

When to reach out to your pediatrician or mental health professional

Disasters can leave children feeling frightened, confused, and insecure. Contact us if you notice any of these symptoms (especially if they last for more than a few weeks):

• Seeming depressed, withdrawn, angry, or irritable.
• Sleeping problems (not being able to fall or stay asleep, having nightmares, or sleeping too much).
• Eating less or more than usual.
• Withdrawing from or avoiding friends, family, and normal activities.
• Acting out the event over and over in their play. Constantly talking about the disaster.
• Bed-wetting, bathroom accidents, or other regressive behavior.
• Acting aggressively.
• Being afraid of fire, storms, wind, and sudden loud noises.
• Having more trouble separating from parents, clinging, not being willing to let you out of their sight, and fear that you will not return.
• Experiencing other symptoms that affect their ability to function like recurrent headaches or stomachaches.

Sadly, we’ll continue to have to face natural disasters, wars, and violence and the news that follows them. Most children are resilient and able to cope with stress and trauma if supported and guided through the experience. Our children’s responses and ability to cope depend on how we as parents, caregivers, and teachers respond. Being willing to start a conversation early and keep it going will help them thrive despite tragedies around them.

Resources for Parents

American Academy of Pediatrics
Responding to Children’s Emotional Needs During Times of Crisis

American Red Cross
Disaster Safety for Children: Learn how to reduce and manage your child’s fears before, during and after a disaster or emergency.

National Institute of Mental Health
Helping Children and Adolescents Cope with Violence and Disasters: What Parents Can Do

My Doctor Online:

Calm – an app for meditation, mental resilience, and sleep

myStrength — an app to improve your awareness and adapt to life

National Association of School Psychologists

Talking to Children About Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers