Parenting Advice From Your Physicians at Kaiser Permanente

My mother used to tell me:

“I won’t always be able to prevent you from falling down, but I will teach you how to always get up.”

As a mother of twin 6-year-old boys adopted at birth, I have a fierce desire to protect them from hardship and trauma.  Like all parents, it breaks my heart to think that they may ever suffer or have any adverse experiences. However, I try to remember my mother’s words and know that I can’t shelter them or have them live in a bubble if I want them to be strong and resilient. Instead, I need to teach them how to get up when they “fall.”

In Dr. Tricia Tayama’s post on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), she explains that most people experience some adverse events in their lives and that these can affect their health. When I read this, I thought about my own upbringing. We were immigrants with limited resources, and I have an ACE score of 3.  We had plenty of hardship and struggle, so how did my parents create a home that always felt abundant and full of love despite the challenges – and how did this help me avoid the potential negative health consequences of my high ACEs score? In a word, resilience.

What is resilience?  My mother would say it’s getting back up after falling down. Webster’s defines it as “an ability to recover from or easily adjust to adversity or change.”

Are we born with resilience? Or can we build it if we don’ t have it, like a muscle?

The research on resilience is encouraging.  Some people are born with more of it just by their temperament. However, the wonderful thing about resilience is that we can build it, learn it, and practice it! Researchers have identified 5 protective factors that help us “get up” after adversity that you can use to foster resilience in your child:

Practice your own resilience

Taking care of ourselves – and having healthy minds and bodies – is a foundation for taking care of our children. It helps them if we model healthy habits like mindful breathing, exercising, eating well, and doing activities we enjoy.  My mother certainly did this. Even when we had little money, she still took time for herself to enjoy painting, ceramics, knitting, and power naps. This made her an even better mom.

Stay connected

We’re not alone on this journey as parents. Reaching out to a spiritual community, a therapist, extended family, other parents, or a support group can keep us going. I’m grateful to the many neighbors, teachers, and mentors my mother called part of my “mother pie.” Raising my children now, I cherish the other parents who share the joys and listen to the challenges we all face as parents.

Accept support

It’s okay to ask for help when we need it. Family resource centers, social workers, and your pediatrician can help connect you to resources such as supplies, access to health food, or quality childcare. When we immigrated, a social worker at Head Start gave my parents a stroller for my newborn sister. It’s also important to reach out to friends and family when you need could use the extra support. People you care about want to help you, just as you want to help them when you can.

Learn how to be a better parent

Children have unique needs and meet milestones at different times. Understanding how they think and how to communicate with them is powerful (and peaceful).  There are many resources to help you build parenting skills – classes, websites, online courses, information at a local resource center or community center, even your local library.  I fondly remember hours in the library with my mom as she checked out every parenting book she could find.

Teach kids emotional skills

We can teach all children how to self-regulate. We can show them what safety feels like and how to calm ourselves in the middle of life’s storms.

My mother taught me to do this with mindfulness practices. Some of my fondest memories are of learning how to breathe deeply with her. She taught me mindfulness with a simple encouragement: “When you’re eating, focus only on eating; when you’re playing, focus only on playing.”

There are many ways you can share this with your child. Even the beloved character Elmo has a video on “belly breathing,” and there are books such as Sit Still Like a Frog or Breathe Like a Bear to help kids learn to soothe themselves. As we practice this ability ourselves in times of stress, our children watching us will also become stronger.

My mother also often shared a little humor amid chaos or a particularly challenging time. As we take care of ourselves, reach out for support, and be present with our children, they’re learning skills that will make them more resilient. This will help them dare to dream and find their strengths. Don’t forget to encourage them to reach and celebrate daily wins – and to celebrate your daily wins too!

Resources for Parents

American Academy of Pediatrics
Building Resilience