Parenting Advice From Your Physicians at Kaiser Permanente

When your child looks in the mirror, do they like what they see? Do they think positive thoughts about the body they’re in?

We all want our kids to feel good about themselves and have a positive self-image. We want them to feel comfortable in their body and happy with how it looks and functions.

Body image is how we think and feel about our body. It can be further explained by four features:

• Do you see yourself as healthy, strong, overweight, or too thin?
• How does this perception make you feel?
• What thoughts do you tell yourself about your body?
• And how does this perception, thinking and feeling make you act?

Body image, either positive or negative, starts to develop at a young age—maybe even in preschoolers. At around age 6 children start to compare their bodies with those around them. By age 10 children may experience stigma and teasing about their body shape, and many begin to have a negative body image. This often worsens when they enter puberty. Having a negative body image puts a child at risk for future mental health struggles, including depression and eating disorders.

Kids are more likely to struggle with a negative self-image if they:

• Are over or underweight.
• Have a parent who’s overly focused on their own weight or diet.
• Have a parent who negatively comments on the child’s body or looks.
• Spend lots of time on media being exposed to unrealistic depictions of body ideals.

Studies show us that parenting can affect how a child’s body image develops. So, how do we help our children develop confidence in their bodies?

Here’s how you can help your child have a positive body image:

Focus on what bodies can do, not how they look

It’s important to help kids focus more on what their bodies can do than on what they look like. Talk with your kids about how strong their bodies are and about all the things they can do. It’s also helpful to talk about how bodies can function well in different ways. Some people run fast, some play music well, and some can paint or knit. All of us have bodies that are useful tools for doing things we enjoy.

You may also want to intentionally expose your kids to people who have different types of bodies. You can start by reading books that show people with differently shaped and abled bodies to normalize the variety that we come in as humans.

Develop a positive approach to eating early

The relationship we have with food starts very early in our lives. Infants and toddlers can learn to trust their own hunger if their parent pays attention to their cues when feeding them. If your infant turns their head away from a spoon or your child says they’re not hungry, trust them and stop feeding them. If a young child asks for more food, let them have more. A 2-year-old isn’t likely to overeat, but they do have days when they’re growing more. Only they know how much energy their body needs that day, so trust their hunger and let them have as much as they want of the healthy foods you’re offering.

If you’re concerned about your child’s weight or worried that they’re not eating enough, check with their pediatrician. There’s lots of advice about how to help picky eaters. Never force a child to “clean their plate.” Eat meals together as a family and enjoy the time to talk and connect. These steps can help a child develop a healthy approach to food and eating.

Talk about normal body changes

It’s normal and necessary for a child to gain weight as they grow. But there’s no benefit to talking specifically about how much a kid weighs. Let your child know that as they get taller, they’ll usually get heavier. While this can seem obvious to us, young children often need this reassurance. This is especially true during puberty when the normal changes in their bodies’ size and shape can cause kids to worry about how they look. Your comfort and positivity can help avoid this.

Work on your own body image

Your body image affects how your child feels about their own body. Kids internalize what they hear you say and see you do, so avoid talking negatively about your own body. Avoid talking about not liking how you look, dieting, or losing weight. Instead, model a healthy approach by focusing on enjoying foods and spending time doing physical activities you like. If you’re struggling, reach out to your doctor or a mental health professional; taking care of yourself helps you parent well, too.

Speak positively about others

It’s been said that a parent’s words become the voice that a child hears in their head. Of course, we want our children to hear a voice that tells them what a wonderful person they are! You can accomplish this by praising how your child acts, what they say, the effort they put in, and what they achieve. Say “I’m so proud of how hard you worked on this assignment—you really did your best!” Or “You ran so fast today—it was great to see you play your soccer game!” Avoid making negative statements about their weight, shape, or what they eat. Don’t tell them they would be more attractive if they lost weight.

It’s also helpful to avoid commenting on other people’s bodies or looks in general, whether positive or negative. Instead, talk about their skills, kindness, or other positive qualities. If your kids hear you talking about others’ bodies, it impacts how they feel about their own bodies, too–and may lead them to talk negatively about others as well.

Limit media’s influence

Kids are bombarded by images online and in all forms of media that can lead to a negative body image. This used to be easy to avoid by not having fashion magazines in the home and monitoring the TV shows children were allowed to see. Now it’s much harder to control your kids’ exposure to these damaging messages.

Start by carefully controlling their access to social media. You can use technology to assist you, such as a monitoring app that helps limit kids’ access to inappropriate social media and monitors their time online. Also, be aware of what other family members and friends allow children to see online. Before your child spends time at their homes, discuss your media rules and ensure the same limitations will be followed.

When your kids are allowed media time, watch with your kids as much as possible. Use what you see as starting points for conversations. Ask them to consider how realistic the images shown really are. Point out what goes on behind the scenes to make stars and influencers look the way they do. Explain how technology is used to alter appearances in completely unnatural ways. For example, if you watch the Barbie movie you can ask “Do the stars who play the Kens and Barbies look this way in real life?” and, “Has what you’re seeing been processed with technology to change their appearance?”

Work with their teachers and school

While we know that parents can shape a child’s body image in a very positive way, outside factors play a big role. Being teased or bullied by other kids is one of the most damaging. If you sense that this may be occurring to your child or others, talk with the staff at their school as soon as possible to enact policies that end and prevent bullying.

As parents, we can help our kids develop positive feelings about their bodies. Taking steps to protect them from factors that can damage their body image will make all the difference. And, as in almost all of parenting, talking with your kids often to check in with how they are feeling and thinking is so important.

If your child needs more support, or you’re concerned about their mental health, please reach out to their pediatrician.