Parenting Advice From Your Physicians at Kaiser Permanente

If you’re raising an only child, you may wonder if not having siblings will affect them negatively. You might ask “How do I raise a happy only child?” But experience and research shows us this just isn’t true. “Onlies” are just as likely to be well-adjusted, happy, and grow into successful adults. Look at all of the successful people who have been “onlies!’ Some examples are Franklin Roosevelt, Cole Porter, Indira Gandhi, Leonardo da Vinci, Idris Elba, Condoleezza Rice, Ansel Adams, and Barbara Streisand.

It’s becoming increasingly common for kids to grow up without siblings. Some parents may choose to have one child for specific reasons, like environmental concerns or to save money. Others wish to have more time to focus on their career, travel, or the one child they have. In other cases, parents may have planned for more than one child but are unable to have them.

Studies have shown that people who grew up as only children tend to be organized, poised, and responsible. Yet parents of only children may face criticism from those around them. This criticism is misplaced but can raise concerns in the parents’ minds causing them to wonder “How does being an only child affect children?” Let’s address some of these concerns.

Some fear only children will become self-centered. It’s true that providing kids with constant, excessive attention (or “helicopter parenting”) can have downsides. While positive self-esteem is a huge benefit in life, an inflated sense of importance can potentially cause problems. To help avoid this, you can:

• Let your child know they’re important, but not the only important thing in your life. Be sure they see you dedicating time and attention to other activities of your own that don’t involve them, such as work, friends, and hobbies.
• Spend time away from your child to enjoy outside interests.
• Teach your child to give and take in your relationship. This means that you avoid catering to all their needs and consider your own and others’ as well. When making decisions, work together to help your child understand your needs and wishes as well as their own. Sometimes decisions can go their direction, sometimes yours, and often you can find a compromise. This mimics the process that would naturally occur more often if they had siblings.

Sometimes, excess attention can make children to feel smothered or under too much pressure. When a person grows up with siblings, they may get more space from their parent’s watchful eye because their attention is diluted between the children. This allows the kids to experiment and learn about themselves.

To help give you child some space, try to give them more opportunities to make decisions on their own–and sometimes, to fail. Mistakes that they can learn from will shape them positively in the long run. Try to avoid constantly watching and responding to everything your child does. For example, if you see your child make a small mistake, it’s ok to overlook it at times, or to let them work out the consequences on their own.

In the helpful book The Future of Your Only, Carl Pickhardt explains that the extremely close relationship between only children and their parents can develop very kind and sensitive children. However, he points out that all this time spent with their adult parents can cause them to become too sensitive and serious for their own good. To avoid this, try the following:

• Help your child make and maintain friendships with kids their age. Plan lots of play dates. Encourage activities where your child can learn to get along well with other kids.
• Have your child bring a friend along on adventures. Ask them to invite a buddy if you’re going to the zoo or a movie.
• Help your child navigate the world of friendships by having a sense of perspective and humor; help them take life less seriously.

If your child is an “only,” take heart knowing they’ll grow up to be self-confident, calm, and kind with your help. They may even be the next Eleanor Roosevelt or John Lennon!