Parenting Advice From Your Physicians at Kaiser Permanente

It’s been so nice to see lots of kids in person again for their checkups as they head back to school and sports. While some kids are feeling excitement and relief these days, we’ve also found that a lot of them are feeling anxious and depressed. This has been a rough time for children and teens due to social isolation, remote learning, fewer social activities, and school services, and increased stress at home.

Depression is persistent sadness or low mood and loss of interest that interferes with daily activities. While you might attribute this to your child “going through a phase” or having changing hormones, it may be depression. Depression lasts even after circumstances change for the better. Children with depression may:

• Be irritable, angry, or just feel “down.”
• Have a decline in school performance.
• Experience changes in appetite and sleep patterns.
• Be harsh on themselves (“I’m not smart. “No one wants to be my friend.”)
• Have physical symptoms such as feeling tired and sluggish, complain of aches and pains, or have fears of falling ill.

Parents can support children who are feeling depressed.

Check in with them often

• Ask open-ended questions. “How did the day go?” “What’s going on with school and friends?” “What was one good (and not-so-good) thing that happened today”?
• If you notice something wrong, let them know. “You look upset and I’m worried. What’s going on?”
• Model talking about feelings at home.

• Ask about their time online. Are they doing homework, socializing, or spending hours browsing social media? Are they being treated well in their online interactions, or are there any signs of cyberbullying?

Validate their feelings

• If they share what’s going on, let them know it’s normal to feel stressed, sad, discouraged, or overwhelmed from time to time.
• Ask, “Will you let me know if there is anything I can do to help?”
• Let them know you want to understand their perspective and experiences, and that they aren’t going to get in trouble for sharing their feelings.
• You can use validating statements such as, “I wish that hadn’t happened.” “That really sucks.”

Connect as a family.

• Schedule regular fun plans with them, such as a family game or movie nights. Find safe ways of doing pre-pandemic activities and celebrating graduations, holidays, and birthdays.
• Get outdoors for walks – studies have shown that kids talk more with parents while walking together!
• Help schedule fun activities with their friends on and offline.
• Make sure your children eat balanced meals, get enough sleep, and get their share of daily exercise.

When talking with your kids there are a few pitfalls you can stumble into.

• Children do not always understand why they feel the way they do. Asking them “Why do you feel sad/mad/angry?” can place pressure on them and not make them feel supported.
• Avoid asking “Why” questions.  This can sound like you are blaming them.
• Do not try to “fix” things for your child unless explicitly asked to do so. Statements such as “Well, did you try…?” or “It sounds like you need to…” can backfire. Instead, ask first “Would you like a suggestion or my help?”
• Reassurance isn’t always supportive or validating. “Oh, don’t worry. It’ll be fine,” may not be what your children need to hear. Instead, validate that you understand their feelings and that it’s okay to feel that way.
• Let older children and teens know you are there for them to talk, to but accept requests for space. Invite them to join family activities, but don’t force them to join in.

If they disclose self-harm or suicidal thoughts:

• Ask for clarification. “I take your thoughts and feelings very seriously. When you said you wanted to hurt yourself, did you have a plan for how and when you may want to do that? Have you already done anything to hurt yourself?”
• If they express the desire to hurt or kill themselves, call 911 or take them to the nearest ER.
• Remove all sharps, guns, or things your child could use for self-harm in the home environment. Lock up medications.

Resources for Parents

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Youth America Hotline, Counseling for Teens by Teens: 1-877-968-8454

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474.

Kaiser Permanente Family Violence Prevention Program

My Doctor Online

Teen Depression

Talk with Your Teen

Stress

Helping Your Teen Manage Stress

The American Academy of Pediatrics

Anxiety in Teens is Rising: What’s Going On?

Cyberbullying