How to Have “The Talk” About Puberty with Your Kids
The other day, as I was setting my 7-year-old daughter’s breakfast in front of her, she asked me out of the blue: “Mom, how do you make a baby?”
Since my kids were toddlers, I’ve been open and honest with them about their bodies. I have no shame in answering this question, but I did tell my daughter that it was something we’d have to talk about when we had more time.
“Why can’t you tell me now?” she asked, as I was in a frenzy trying to get everyone organized and out the door for the day.
“I know! I can tell her how!” my 10-year-old son said proudly, as we’ve had many talks about this before.
“Why don’t we talk more about it as a family at dinner tonight?” I replied, which was met with annoyed agreement from both kids.
Later that night over dinner, the conversation continued.
How to Have “The Talk” With Your Child
Parents ask me at well-check visits how they should talk to their kids about puberty and sex. Or they’ll ask me to have this talk with their child at their pediatric well-check.
Part of a pediatrician’s job is to help kids and families understand their bodies as they grow. However, the answer I give families regarding “the talk” is that it’s not just one quick conversation in clinic or over breakfast (as my daughter was hoping for). And the other more important answer I give is, don’t wait until your kids are having body changes to start talking about puberty.
Puberty is a NORMAL part of growing up. Questions about hair growth, breast development, periods, penis/testicle growth, or “wet dreams” should be encouraged by parents so their kids aren’t getting the answers from web searches (which can easily lead to inappropriate web sites) or from friends that might not have the correct information.
Tips for Parents When Talking About Puberty
Even if you feel uncomfortable talking with your kids about puberty and sex, try not to show it. Think back to how you first learned about these topics if you want a good chuckle–for me, it was sitting with my mom in a car in the grocery store parking lot!
Let everyday happenings lead to these conversations. If your child walks in when you’re changing clothes and asks about your body parts, be honest and open.
“Why do yours look different than mine?” is a common question kids will ask their parents. Bath or shower times can be a helpful moment to naturally answer questions about body parts and how they’ll change as kids grow older. You can also find “teachable moments” in everyday activities. For example, when grocery shopping, point out feminine hygiene products to your child of any gender and talk about what they’re for.
Use the correct term for body parts such as penis, vulva, vagina, breast, and testicle – knowing these will help your child feel empowered and aware as they grow older. Being able to refer to these body parts as “private parts” is also important for body safety.
Talk about body odor and age-appropriate hygiene, and don’t hesitate to let your child use deodorant if needed!
Help your child understand that each person’s body goes through puberty changes at different times, and girls often start these changes at a younger age than boys do. It can be frustrating for kids if their friends have a growth spurt or need a bra and your child feels like they’re a “late bloomer.” On the other hand, kids may also feel uncomfortable if they’re “early bloomers,” starting development before their classmates do.
Girls usually start pubertal changes between ages 8 to 13, and boys will start between ages 9 to 14. Regular well-check visits with your child’s pediatrician will help track your child’s growth and development and ensure this is normal for their body.
Puberty can be a challenging time for kids who are gender fluid or who are questioning their gender identity. As a parent, be a willing listener and don’t hesitate to reach out to your child’s pediatrician for support and guidance.
Books Can Help Start the Conversation
Using a book to do the initial talking about puberty can be helpful. I vividly remember reading about periods and bra shopping in Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume as a preteen. Reading educational books with your child is a helpful gateway to answering questions about puberty and sex.
There are many great age-appropriate puberty books to find at your library or for purchase. These are some of my recommendations:
- What’s Happening to Me? A Guide to Puberty by Peter Mayle
- Growing Up Great! The Ultimate Puberty Guide for Boys by Scott Todnem
- The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls by Valorie Schaefer (ages 8+) and The Care and Keeping of You 2 (ages 10+) by Cara Natterson
- “The Family Library” by Robie Harris:
- It’s Not the Stork! A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends (ages 4+)
- It’s So Amazing! A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies and Families (for age 7+)
- It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health (for age 10+)
As we finished dinner that same day, I thanked my kids for their questions and invited them to come to us at any time to learn more. You might be able guess what book my daughter chose for bedtime that night!
Resources for Parents:
American Academy of Pediatrics
Talking to Your Children about Sex
Adolescent Sexuality: Talk the Talk before they Walk the Walk
Featured Author
Dr. Lindsay Frost's biography reads: I joined the pediatrics team at Kaiser Permanente South Sacramento in 2018 to help kids thrive. During my medical training, I pursued a Masters degree in public health and health promotion. I enjoy being able to foster long-term relationships with patients and their families, providing care in both health and illness as children grow. Some of my most relevant experiences as a pediatrician have come from my two children, who have “trained” me first-hand on the challenges of parenthood.
Read more at https://mydoctor.kaiserpermanente.org/ncal/providers/lindsayfrost Disclaimer: If you have an emergency medical condition, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital. An emergency medical condition is any of the following: (1) a medical condition that manifests itself by acute symptoms of sufficient severity (including severe pain) such that you could reasonably expect the absence of immediate medical attention to result in serious jeopardy to your health or body functions or organs; (2) active labor when there isn't enough time for safe transfer to a Plan hospital (or designated hospital) before delivery, or if transfer poses a threat to your (or your unborn child's) health and safety, or (3) a mental disorder that manifests itself by acute symptoms of sufficient severity such that either you are an immediate danger to yourself or others, or you are not immediately able to provide for, or use, food, shelter, or clothing, due to the mental disorder. This information is not intended to diagnose health problems or to take the place of specific medical advice or care you receive from your physician or other health care professional. If you have persistent health problems, or if you have additional questions, please consult with your doctor. If you have questions or need more information about your medication, please speak to your pharmacist. Kaiser Permanente does not endorse the medications or products mentioned. Any trade names listed are for easy identification only.