Parenting Advice From Your Physicians at Kaiser Permanente

Picture this. Your child arrives home from school looking stressed and sad, but when you try to talk with them about why—they clam up. Or you’ve finished dinner, cleaned the kitchen, and sent your kids off to bed but then one comes into your bedroom looking worried and tells you they’re having a problem with something.

How do you encourage your child to talk about problems? How do you help your child solve whatever problem they’re having?

Parents want to hear their children’s worries and help lighten their loads.

But it can be so hard to talk with our kids! And harder still to know how to help them fix their problems. I know that as a parent I want my kids to feel comfortable talking with me about anything that troubles them—but I don’t always know the best way to get them to open up. And, when they do tell me their concerns, I tend to jump right into trying to fix them even though I know that doesn’t always work so well.

For advice about this, I talked with Dr. Robert Black, a clinical psychologist who specializes in pediatric behavioral medicine. He offered a stepwise approach for these conversations.

Acknowledge your child’s concerns in a way that keeps them talking

You can start by saying, “You look like you’ve had a tough day.” Or, “You seem upset.” When they start to share the trouble, reflect back to them what you heard. Perhaps your son says he thinks he’s overweight. You can help him continue to talk by saying, “You’re worried you are overweight.” rather than jumping in with questions (or offering reassurance.)

Dr. Black explained that this reflective listening is likely to be a very helpful skill for parents. “It’s a good way of helping children clarify their thoughts and feelings without the pressure from parents of asking lots of questions—though we do love our questions, they’re often not as helpful as we hope or think they will be!”

Help them solve their problem

Next—after they’ve explained how they’re feeling and what the issue is— you can pivot to helping your kid solve it. Notice that I’m not suggesting we solve our kids’ problems for them, but instead help them learn to find their own solutions. You can shift to a more solution focused or active type of strategy by saying, “Let’s figure out how you could make the changes you want to.” Or, “What can you do to fix this?”

This approach gives children and teens a powerful tool! “The ability to know from an early age that they can identify something they want to be different, make a plan, and create the change, is a skill that parents should help kids develop,” said Dr. Black.

These two steps—reflective listening and shared problem solving—will usually help parents and kids. We all want our children to grow up knowing they can overcome challenges and create change when needed. Taking these steps may help your child feel both supported by you and able to solve life’s inevitable problems.