Parenting Advice From Your Physicians at Kaiser Permanente

Parenting styles are as varied as the children they aim to guide. One increasingly discussed—and sometimes divisive—approach is referred to as “gentle parenting.” Putting all of the social media chatter and funny memes aside, let’s take a look at this parenting practice to see why and how works.

As I understand it, gentle parenting is about maintaining authority with kindness, not about being overly permissive. It’s about balancing compassion and structure, positivity and accountability. At its core, gentle parenting embraces many time-tested, effective, positive discipline techniques that aren’t at all controversial or new.

For decades now, parenting styles have been organized into four main types:

Authoritarian: This style enforces strict rules with little room for flexibility or input from the child. Children who are parented this way may fear punishment, be rebellious, and have difficulty making independent decisions.

Authoritative: Often recommended by psychologists as an ideal approach, authoritative parenting sets clear expectations while also being supportive and open to communication. It tends to foster independent, self-reliant children who form strong social connections.

Permissive: Permissive parents are indulgent and may avoid setting firm boundaries, often acting more like friends than parental figures. Children raised this way may be impulsive and have difficulty with self-regulation.

Neglectful: Neglectful parenting lacks guidance, nurturing, and attention to the child’s needs. Children who experience this may have low self-esteem and difficulty controlling emotions.

Gentle parenting aligns most closely with authoritative parenting, blending structure with empathy. Even if we prefer to use a certain style most of the time, we may find ourselves using different styles on different days. Plus, different child behaviors may require different approaches. For example, if your child is running in the street, an authoritarian approach may be necessary in that moment.

In general, parenting that includes positivity, clear expectations, and logical consequences has been shown to have the best outcome for our children.

Here are eight essential steps to help you raise respectful, compassionate, and well-behaved children.

1. Set Clear Expectations

Clear expectations help children navigate their world with confidence.

It can be beneficial to start each day by letting kids know what they’ll be doing and how they’re expected to behave: “We’re going to Grandma’s house today. At her house, we speak kindly and use our inside voices.” These guardrails create structure, giving children a sense of security and fostering self-assurance. Clear rules, paired with consistent follow-through, teach children accountability in a supportive way.

Similarly, before you head to the park, let your child know how long you’ll be there, that you’ll give them a 10-minute warning before it’s time to go, and that you expect them to leave without a fuss.

2. Acknowledge Their Emotions

Children, like adults, need to feel heard and understood. When your child misbehaves, try to understand what made them act that way–ask yourself what they might be feeling. Then, help them understand their big emotions and give them a name. This is called emotion coaching.

You can start by acknowledging their feelings. For example, you’re at the park, and you’ve let them know that you need to go home in 10 minutes. When the time comes, they get upset and refuse to go. To handle this, start by saying something like, “I see you’re really enjoying the park and don’t want to leave. It’s hard to stop when you’re having so much fun, and that can feel frustrating.”

The conversation doesn’t end there, but it starts with the acknowledgment that their experience is real and valid.

3. Give Them Choices and Respect

Expanding on the park example, after you’ve named their emotion as anger or frustration, you address what needs to happen next: “But we do need to go now.” If they don’t agree to come with you, you can say, “We’re leaving now. Would you like to walk with me, or would you like me to carry you?” Giving them a choice of how they want to do what’s required gives them some autonomy–which all of us want and need.

In times like these, you can also try “redirection.” It can work very well to redirect a young child’s attention away from what is upsetting them. For example, you might say, “Remember that when we get home, we’ll see the doggie! Won’t she be happy to play with you?”

Once you’re home and your child is calm, it can be helpful to talk things over. You might ask your child, “What do you think we can do to make it easier to leave the park next time?” By framing the situation respectfully and offering choices, you empower your child to make choices that help them cooperate and regulate their emotions.

4. Teach Compassion

Help your children understand how their actions affect others. Have conversations about kindness and empathy: “When you shared your toy, it made your friend smile. That was very kind of you.” Or, “When you hit Sara, it made her sad—did you see that she cried?” Fostering this awareness from an early age encourages your child to think beyond themselves, promoting behaviors that strengthen relationships.

5. Encourage (and Model) Apologies

Teaching children to admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness is a vital life skill. The best way to teach this is by modeling it yourself: “I’m sorry I spoke harshly earlier. I was frustrated, but I shouldn’t have raised my voice. Will you forgive me?” When children see you acknowledge your mistakes, they learn that apologizing is a sign of strength, not weakness.

If your child acts hurtfully, ask them how they might make the other person feel better. Helping them make amends encourages them to take responsibility for their behavior and understand its effects on others.

6. Focus on Positivity

Positive discipline is usually the most effective. A key aspect of positive discipline is to focus on what you do want your child to do instead of what you don’t want them to do:

• “Please hold my hand and walk,” instead of “Don’t run.”
• “Use your inside voice” instead of “Stop yelling.”
• Safety issues are an exception. Stop unsafe behavior immediately: “Stop running!” or “We do not hit.”

Whenever possible, give lots of positive feedback and positive attention. Doing so often decreases negative behavior. Here’s how:

• Spend fun, relaxed time together one-on-one with each child every day.
• Try to find 10 positive things to say for every negative thing you have to say to your child throughout the day.
• Let your child know you love them.
• Hug, kiss, hold hands, snuggle–affectionate touch goes a long way.

7. Skip Spanking

After raising 3 spirited kids, I’m well aware of how kids can push our limits. To learn to control their behavior, they need limits of their own. These limits can be taught in many ways–but spanking is ineffective, harmful, and should not be one of them.

8. Offer Logical Consequences

Structure gives kids a feeling of security that encourages them to do well. All those memes about gentle parenting? They are funny because they show parents who forgot part of the technique:

Be clear about the rules and consequences, and follow through.

When you’re trying to devise a consequence for misbehavior, try to make it logical and fitting to the situation. If you catch your child riding their scooter on the front sidewalk without a helmet, it’s logical to give the scooter a timeout for the rest of the day. Just be sure your child knows ahead of time that they are expected to always wear a helmet. Follow through on these logical consequences consistently and without too much discussion!

Some final thoughts: Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection, learning, and growth for both you and your child. While a timeout can be helpful in calming an upset child and redirecting their behavior, lots of time-ins–where you connect with your child in a loving manner–are even more powerful. Positive parenting combines empathy and respect with clear expectations and accountability. By implementing these steps, you can guide your children toward becoming compassionate, confident, and well-behaved individuals.