Parenting Advice From Your Physicians at Kaiser Permanente

As parents, we wear many hats—caregiver, teacher, cook, and chauffeur, to name just a few. One of the most impactful roles we can embrace is that of an emotion coach. How can emotion coaching shape your child’s emotional well-being? Let’s explore what this powerful practice is and how to incorporate it into your parenting toolkit.

What is emotion coaching?

Emotion coaching is a parenting approach developed by Dr. John Gottman meant to help children understand and manage their emotions. Instead of dismissing, ignoring, or punishing their feelings, you help them constructively express their emotions. You can acknowledge how they feel while also setting limits on their behavior and offering guidance for challenges. Dr. Gwen Dewar summed it up as:

“Emotion coaching takes a different approach: Parents tune in, show empathy, help kids verbalize emotions, and — when the time is right — they teach children how to cope.”

Why is emotion coaching important for children?

Kids can have big emotions, but they aren’t born knowing how to manage them. They learn these skills from the adults around them. Emotion coaching helps children feel understood and supported and gives them tools to navigate life’s ups and downs.

Research shows that children whose parents practice emotion coaching are more likely to:

• Manage their own emotions well
• Respond with empathy and compassion to others’ emotions
• Have healthy relationships
• Do better in school
• Have less anxiety and depression
• Handle stress more effectively

While learning this approach may take time and effort, these benefits make it well worth it.

5 steps to use emotion coaching with your kids

To practice emotion coaching with your child, Dr. Gottman suggests these steps:

1. Be aware of your child’s emotions. Watch for cues like changes in tone, body language, or facial expressions. This awareness will help you see when emotions might escalate and avoid problem behavior before it starts.
2. See emotions as opportunities to connect. Instead of viewing meltdowns as misbehavior, see them as opportunities to teach and build trust.
3. Listen and validate. Let your child express what they’re feeling without judgment or interruption. To validate what you’ve heard, you can say things like, “I can see that you’re really upset,” or, “That sounds frustrating.”
4. Label the emotions. Help your child identify and name their emotions. For example, “It sounds like you’re feeling sad because your toy broke,” or, “You seem angry that we had to leave the park.”
5. Set limits and guide problem-solving. Once you’ve acknowledged the emotion and your child is calm enough to talk, help them brainstorm appropriate ways to cope or resolve the issue.

When your child misbehaves, the goal is to try to help them by identifying what emotions might be causing the behavior. Let’s look at an example:

Imagine two young children playing together. One child brought a truck to the playground. They play peacefully with it for a while, but suddenly, one takes the truck and the other hits him. Both kids become upset (but no one is actually hurt).

Their parents can help by guiding each child to understand their emotions. The parent of the child who was hit might say, “Do you feel sad that your friend hit you?”

The parent of the child who hit could start with some curiosity about why they did it. They might ask, “How did you feel when he took the truck from you?” And then reflect, “You felt angry! I can understand that.”  And you might ask “What do you think he was feeling?”

In a situation like this, some form of discipline may be needed. Maybe it’s time to go home from the park, or perhaps the truck will be put away for the rest of the day. But before you explore logical consequences, it’s important to help the child see what they were feeling when they misbehaved.

Then, when the child is calm, their parent can encourage solutions while setting boundaries: “It’s okay to be mad, but it isn’t okay to hit. Let’s think of another way to let out that anger. The next time you feel mad, what can you do instead of hit?” It’s also important to ask them to imagine how the other kid felt and, if appropriate, make amends by offering an apology or correction.

Practical tips for success

Model emotion regulation.

Kids learn by example, so as a parent, it’s important to demonstrate healthy ways to handle your own emotions. Of course, you may not do this perfectly – kids sure have a way of pushing our buttons sometimes! Give yourself grace if you lose your cool occasionally, and be ready with a quick apology if your words or actions affect your child. Children need to see that their parents make mistakes too, and that they apologize when needed.

Allow time to cool down.

Before you problem-solve, give your child time to calm down. Children usually can’t learn or listen when they’re crying or having a tantrum.

Create a safe space.

When your child shares emotions, express empathy without scorn or judgment. You want your child to feel safe telling you how they feel.

Adapt to their age.

Tailor your approach to your child’s developmental stage. Younger kids may need more guidance (as in the example above), while older children benefit from collaborative problem-solving.

Practicing emotion coaching with your child will give them a skill set that benefits their relationships, careers, and overall happiness throughout life. It may take a while for both of you to learn, but over time, it will strengthen your bond and enhance your child’s emotional resilience.