Parenting Advice From Your Physicians at Kaiser Permanente

The other day, my friend told me I should write a post about why kids lie. Do kids lie? Well, yes – it’s not uncommon for them to tell a few tales or cover up the truth from time to time. But why?

Young kids don’t always quite understand what it means to lie. Between ages 3 and 6, they have vibrant fantasy lives and may not see the difference between truth and fiction. But by first grade, they do know when they are making something up. At that age, kids usually lie when they’re embarrassed or feel stuck. They don’t want to disappoint their parents and don’t want to be punished. Sometimes, they feel unsure or insecure.

You’ve talked with your child about why lying is wrong. What more can you do to help them be honest more often?

Don’t set them up. Don’t ask questions you know the answers to. Instead of asking, “Did you make your bed?” when you know they didn’t, say, “I can see your bed isn’t made.” Instead of “Did you do your chores?” try, “When are you planning to get your chores done?”

Call out the fib. When you know your child is lying, you can gently call them out. “That doesn’t sound true to me. Sometimes people say something that isn’t true when they’re scared or worried; do you want to share with me what’s really happening?”

Run with it. Sometimes, you can tell they’ve really let their imaginations run wild, and they’re spinning an elaborate tale. This is especially true with young children. In these cases, you can say, “That sounds like a fascinating story. Tell me more!” Praise their imagination and let them know that sometimes you may need them to tell you if this is one of their imaginative stories, or if it really happened.

Figure out the “why.” Did they say they cleaned their room because they wanted to go play with a friend? Did they say they didn’t eat the cookie (when you can see the crumbs) because they were scared to get in trouble? Are they weaving a tale because they’re bored? If you can guess the “why,” you can usually solve the problem and encourage them to not lie next time. You can even ask them what they could do next time to solve their problem – without lying.

Understand their insecurities. If your child tells stories in which they’ve performed better at something than you think they can, they may feel insecure. For example, a child might come home and tell you they ran the fastest laps in P.E. of any kid at school that day. If they were unlikely to have done so, you might think they’re lying and want to tell them so. Instead, try saying, “I’m not sure if this is a story or the truth, but I know you’d like to be the fastest runner! What can you do to practice getting faster at running?”

Set clear expectations and consequences with older kids. You’ve let your kids know their homework needs to be done before they play video games. What do you do if you find a child playing who said they did their homework, but you can see they haven’t? Don’t set them up to lie by asking if they’ve done it. Instead, try, “I think you told me you did your homework because you wanted to play games. That wasn’t honest, and it’s not okay. If it happens again, you’ll lose your privilege to play video games for one week.”

Check-in at school. If your child has been lying about doing homework or telling you they have no homework when you know they do, it’s time for a check-in. Are they overwhelmed by the homework? Is it too hard, or is there too much? Their lying may be a sign they are struggling at school. It’s time to talk with your child and their teacher.

Try to help your kids feel brave enough to tell the truth, even when it might be uncomfortable. Let them know mistakes happen, and you’ll still love them even when they’ve done something wrong.

I remember one time when my grandmother did this for me. She had a pair of tall, beautiful blue glass lamps. I loved them and knew she did, too. One day, my friend and I were running around her house, and I knocked one over. Later, when she found the cracked lamp, I panicked and told her my friend had broken it. I must have looked pretty guilty because she said it was wrong to blame my friend. She didn’t ask if I was lying – that would have been a setup. She also told me that she loved her lamps, but understood how things can happen, and she loved me anyway and asked me to help clean up.

Here are a few more points that can help when your child lies:

• Avoid using overly harsh punishments or words. Kids may lie to avoid punishment. Keeping your words and punishments reasonable and kind can help your child feel comfortable admitting their mistakes.
• Check your own anxiety about raising a “good kid.” When you catch your child in a lie, you might worry that you’re raising a dishonest person or that you’ve failed to teach them wrong from right. This may cause you to overreact and punish them severely to make an impression. However, this can make them feel defensive and then continue to try to protect themselves by lying.
• Avoid saying that you won’t punish them if they tell you the truth. That’s a hard promise to keep – There may indeed need to be consequences for poor choices to help them learn to not repeat them.
• Don’t tell kids they’re “bad” or are “a liar.” Children believe what you say about them and internalize your voice. Instead, tell them they “made a bad choice this time” or that they “told a lie, and lying is wrong.” Emphasize that you know they can make better choices next time.
• Be a good role model. Avoid lying to others or to your child – even “white lies” they catch you in will send a confusing message.

Resources for Parents

American Academy of Pediatrics

When Children Lie