Parenting Advice From Your Physicians at Kaiser Permanente

Whining—that nasal, annoying, distracting way kids talk when they want something we aren’t giving them—drives everyone nuts. It’s impossible to ignore—and that’s why it works! Kids will keep on whining as long as it gets results. So try our 5 steps to stop whining!

When a kid is whining, it may seem like they want something like a cookie or a toy. But at the core of things, they really want the most precious thing of all—their parent’s attention. Perversely, kids want attention so much that they’ll try anything to get it, including negative behaviors like whining.

So how do you get your child to stop whining? Here are 5 ideas:

1. Ignore it. If the whining doesn’t work to get the cookie, toy, or your attention, the child will eventually stop using that approach. Some parents say, “I can’t hear you when you’re whining.” And if the whining continues, they add, “Hmmm, I thought I heard you say something, but I didn’t hear a big kid voice… can you try again?” Of course, if they’re trying to get something they can’t have, it’s best to simply and calmly re-state your “no” (rather than ask them to re-state the request!)
2. Skip the discipline. Many parents find it works better to not punish or scold when the whining occurs. The child is at some level seeking your attention—even if it’s negative attention. The time to discipline whiny behavior isn’t right when it happens. Instead…
3. Talk with your child. Take a moment when they’re not whining to sit down and let them know that talking to you that way isn’t okay. Tell them you need them to use their nice voice and good manners instead. (This is when some kids benefit from hearing you explain it’s not that you actually can’t hear them when they whine, but that you choose to not respond until they change the way they’re speaking to you.) Also, remind them that when you say no to something you have a good reason for it, and repeated requests won’t change the answer.
4. Try humor. As with many things in life, whining may improve if you try to have a sense of humor. You could try observing that your child is whining “You’re feeling very whiny, aren’t you? You know, so am I. Let’s whine together!” Then have a whining contest for a minute or two: “I bet I can whine even better than you!”
5. Increase positive attention. Although you don’t want to reward whining, you do want to make sure your child’s needs for positive attention are being met throughout the day. Kids who spend more calm, happy one-on-one time with a parent tend to act out less often. Find opportunities to recognize good behavior and celebrate that with your child. Prioritize spending time together to connect.

We know that whining usually stops when it doesn’t work or isn’t needed. Set clear expectations that you won’t respond to whining and increase your use of positive parenting techniques, and soon this annoying problem will fade away.