Talking With Your Child about the War in Ukraine
Families across the globe are struggling with images and stories of horrifying events occurring in Ukraine. Talking to your child about what’s going on may seem like a daunting task. You may wonder, “Will it worry my child more if we talk about the war?” Or “What if I fall apart when they start to ask questions?” These concerns are normal. But kids do better when they can talk openly with parents about scary topics like war. Here are some tips to help you have these conversations.
Take care of yourself first. Do your best to get into a calm place and use techniques that help you to relax. This will help you have a supportive and intentional conversation with your child. Plus, as you calm yourself, you’re practicing the very same skills that can help your child.
Don’t expect perfection from yourself. You may become emotional, or not know what to say, and that’s okay. Just listening and holding space for your child’s feelings is a powerful gift to them.
Ask questions to open a conversation. Our children are exposed to news from so many sources: friends, social media, teachers, and TV. It’s helpful to start with an open-ended question to learn what they’ve heard and what scares or worries them. That way you can correct any misinformation and help reassure them that they’re safe while validating that it’s normal to feel sad and afraid, too.
Answer questions as they come up. Your child might ask many questions. Try to answer honestly when you can, but sometimes you won’t have the answers. It’s okay to say you don’t know or that you’ll find out and get back to them.
For younger children, it’s important to explain that the conflict is happening far away. Tweens and teens will understand a lot more and might have more specific questions and concerns. My own son threw me for a loop when he asked if he’d need to sign up for the draft.
Turning the conversation to how people here and around the world have banded together to help – such as through welcoming refugees into their homes and donating to relief efforts – can help shine a positive light on a terrible time. It also gives kids a sense of empowerment to know that we can still have an impact on tragic situations that are beyond our control.
Listen and acknowledge their fears. Simply being present with your child and offering space for them to share is often the best thing you can do. Saying something like, “I can tell this really bothers you. Do you want to tell me more?” can help a child feel understood.
Watch out for signs that your child is struggling. Sometimes, being aware of a situation like this may become overwhelming for children. Red flags to look out for include sleeping poorly, excessive preoccupation with the war (thinking, talking, or reading about it), avoiding fun things they used to do, or crying a lot. If you see these behaviors, please seek help from your pediatrician or therapist.
Here are some actions that can help a child:
- Doing calming activities when they’re upset, such as playing with a family pet or going outside for a walk.
- Practicing relaxation techniques, like guided focused breathing or muscle relaxation.
- Limiting their exposure to disturbing images and being mindful of your own focus on the subject.
- Directing their energy towards ways to help. For younger children, letter writing, or art projects might be a good starting point. Older children might want to show support through marches or community events. Helping charitable organizations as a family allows all to participate.
It can be uncomfortable, but your willingness to have these conversations with your child is invaluable. It’s an important opportunity for you and your child to connect and learn about world we live in, including its most difficult aspects.
Resources For Parents:
My Doctor Online:
Calm – an app for meditation, mental resilience, and sleep
myStrength — an app to improve your awareness and adapt to life
The American Academy of Pediatrics:
Featured Author
Dr. Makram's bio reads: As a pediatrician at Kaiser Permanente South Sacramento, I have the privilege and honor of caring for your children as they grow into adulthood. In fact, that is one of the reasons I entered the field of pediatrics - the opportunity to help my patients thrive as they mature. I also love pediatrics because of the wonderful opportunities to interact with people of all ages - infants, children, teens and parents.
Dr. Makram's full bio can be found on My Doctor Online. Disclaimer: If you have an emergency medical condition, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital. An emergency medical condition is any of the following: (1) a medical condition that manifests itself by acute symptoms of sufficient severity (including severe pain) such that you could reasonably expect the absence of immediate medical attention to result in serious jeopardy to your health or body functions or organs; (2) active labor when there isn't enough time for safe transfer to a Plan hospital (or designated hospital) before delivery, or if transfer poses a threat to your (or your unborn child's) health and safety, or (3) a mental disorder that manifests itself by acute symptoms of sufficient severity such that either you are an immediate danger to yourself or others, or you are not immediately able to provide for, or use, food, shelter, or clothing, due to the mental disorder. This information is not intended to diagnose health problems or to take the place of specific medical advice or care you receive from your physician or other health care professional. If you have persistent health problems, or if you have additional questions, please consult with your doctor. If you have questions or need more information about your medication, please speak to your pharmacist. Kaiser Permanente does not endorse the medications or products mentioned. Any trade names listed are for easy identification only.