The other day, my friend told me I should write a post about why kids lie. Do kids lie? Well, yes \u2013 it\u2019s not uncommon for them to tell a few tales or cover up the truth from time to time. But why?<\/p>\n
Young kids don\u2019t always quite understand what it means to lie. Between ages 3 and 6, they have vibrant fantasy lives and may not see the difference between truth and fiction. But by first grade, they do know when they are making something up. At that age, kids usually lie when they\u2019re embarrassed or feel stuck. They don’t want to disappoint their parents and don’t want to be punished. Sometimes, they feel unsure or insecure.<\/p>\n
Don’t set them up.<\/strong> Don’t ask questions you know the answers to. Instead of asking, “Did you make your bed?” when you know they didn’t, say, “I can see your bed isn’t made.” Instead of “Did you do your chores?” try, “When are you planning to get your chores done?”<\/p>\n Call out the fib.<\/strong> When you know your child is lying, you can gently call them out. “That doesn’t sound true to me. Sometimes people say something that isn\u2019t true when they\u2019re scared or worried; do you want to share with me what\u2019s really happening?”<\/p>\n Run with it.<\/strong> Sometimes, you can tell they\u2019ve really let their imaginations run wild, and they\u2019re spinning an elaborate tale. This is especially true with young children. In these cases, you can say, “That sounds like a fascinating story. Tell me more!” Praise their imagination and let them know that sometimes you may need them to tell you if this is one of their imaginative stories, or if it really happened.<\/p>\n Figure out the “why.”<\/strong> Did they say they cleaned their room because they wanted to go play with a friend? Did they say they didn’t eat the cookie (when you can see the crumbs) because they were scared to get in trouble? Are they weaving a tale because they\u2019re bored? If you can guess the “why,” you can usually solve the problem and encourage them to not lie next time. You can even ask them what they could do next time to solve their problem \u2013 without lying.<\/p>\n Understand their insecurities.<\/strong> If your child tells stories in which they\u2019ve performed better at something than you think they can, they may feel insecure. For example, a child might come home and tell you they ran the fastest laps in P.E. of any kid at school that day. If they were unlikely to have done so, you might think they\u2019re lying and want to tell them so. Instead, try saying, “I’m not sure if this is a story or the truth, but I know you’d like to be the fastest runner! What can you do to practice getting faster at running?”<\/p>\n Set clear expectations and consequences with older kids.<\/strong> You\u2019ve let your kids know their homework needs to be done before they play video games. What do you do if you find a child playing who said they did their homework, but you can see they haven\u2019t? Don’t set them up to lie by asking if they\u2019ve done it. Instead, try, “I think you told me you did your homework because you wanted to play games. That wasn\u2019t honest, and it\u2019s not okay. If it happens again, you\u2019ll lose your privilege to play video games for one week.”<\/p>\n Check-in at school.<\/strong> If your child has been lying about doing homework or telling you they have no homework when you know they do, it’s time for a check-in. Are they overwhelmed by the homework? Is it too hard, or is there too much? Their lying may be a sign they are struggling at school. It’s time to talk with your child and their teacher.<\/p>\n Try to help your kids feel brave enough to tell the truth, even when it might be uncomfortable. Let them know mistakes happen, and you’ll still love them even when they\u2019ve done something wrong.<\/p>\n I remember one time when my grandmother did this for me. She had a pair of tall, beautiful blue glass lamps. I loved them and knew she did, too. One day, my friend and I were running around her house, and I knocked one over. Later, when she found the cracked lamp, I panicked and told her my friend had broken it. I must have looked pretty guilty because she said it was wrong to blame my friend. She didn’t ask if I was lying \u2013 that would have been a setup. She also told me that she loved her lamps, but understood how things can happen, and she loved me anyway and asked me to help clean up.<\/p>\nHere are a few more points that can help when your child lies:<\/h2>\n
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Resources for Parents<\/h4>\n
American Academy of Pediatrics<\/h4>\n