Author Cheryl Strayed wrote in an essay that, \u201cMothering is absurdly hard and profoundly sweet.\u201d This has been the mother of all truth for me \u2013 teens take everything you have to give, bringing you to the edges of your personality and absolutely to your knees.<\/p>\n
Parenting teens seems like a daunting task, doesn\u2019t it? Teens can be prickly and withdrawn; they can seem a mystery. Where did our cuddly, happy little kids go? While toddlers have their own set of challenges from tantrums to toilet training, they let their parents in emotionally. We usually know what\u2019s bothering younger kids, they talk with us, and we feel loved and connected. Teens? Not so much.<\/p>\n
Many years into this journey of being a parent, and with 3 teens by my side, the best piece of parenting advice I know is this: Keep talking with your kids<\/i>. It\u2019s especially true when you have teens. Most of the challenges of parenting teens can be prevented or solved this way. But even just talking can seem hard, or at times, nearly impossible.<\/p>\n
While I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019m an expert in teens (or somedays like I know much of anything at all about them), I\u2019m learning bit by bit. What I\u2019ve found works with my kids certainly won\u2019t work for all, but may provide some ideas to start with. Here are some things my teens have taught me:<\/p>\n
Be curious about their world.<\/b> Teens are told what to do all day long. Grown-ups tell them where to go, how to act, what to think. To foster a better connection, start instead with curiosity. What are they interested in? Ask to listen to the music they like. Explore something new together. I visited my son at college last year and one night as we sat watching the sunset together, I asked him which social media sites he was using. I figured I was stuck in my Twitter and Facebook rut and might learn something from him. He showed me sites I knew of and a few I\u2019d never heard of, telling me about their pros and cons. We had fun and I felt much more connected than if I\u2019d started with the usual parental, \u201cI hope you\u2019re being safe online\u201d talk.<\/p>\n
Be present.<\/b> A piece of advice I got years ago was that teens need you home even more than little kids. I didn\u2019t believe it then, but see its wisdom now. Teens don\u2019t talk on your schedule. They open up when the time feels right for them. When possible, I try to arrange my schedule so I\u2019m home when my teens are. Being home makes it more likely I\u2019ll be in the right place at the right time to connect with them. I\u2019m not above baking cookies just to lure them into the kitchen with me! And when they do start talking out of the blue, I put down my work, my housecleaning, my phone \u2013 and listen.<\/p>\n
Accept anything.<\/b> When I was a kid, my mom gave me a great gift. It wasn\u2019t wrapped or even explicitly presented or discussed. She gave me the gift of letting me know she’d be by my side no matter what happened to me or what I did. That didn\u2019t mean she\u2019d approve of every action or word, but that she could handle anything calmly and productively. My kids, I believe, know the same of me. This trust has perhaps been created by being willing to talk about anything<\/i><\/b>, and I do mean anything, with them. Family dinners are a great way to get that level of conversation going.<\/p>\n
Be a sealed vault.<\/b> Let your kids know that if they ask you to keep something a secret you will. They should be able to come to you for help without thinking their stories will be shared with others. You won\u2019t tell your spouse, partner, best friend, or their siblings what they\u2019ve confided in you. If you feel the need to share, get their permission first and discuss why it may help them for you to talk with others.<\/p>\n